fight it // heartstrings

I finally started using a thesaurus, thus all the random words but I got super inspired so I'll probably edit later and make it all better and stuff, but I know I won't post it unless I do it right meow. I put us in literate because it's just that sloppy. Nadia is sloppy though, the intro fits her. and I did the song thing again because, well, I had to (: YAY I'VE MISSED THIS


The sound of razor against glass thrilled her.

Chop, chop, chop, scrape, scrape, tap, chop, repeat.

Three impeccable lines lay before her now. Her pupils dilated before even taking them. The rolled bill shook between her sweaty fingertips. A minute from now, the world would calm, and she would sink into a serene state. These days the tranquility lasted five minutes, maybe ten, then she was having flashbacks.

The room started to crawl and shift. She could feel her skin moving against her bones.


She rose quickly, racing to the bathroom.

Nothing came up.

She realized with a sickening shake that there was nothing to come up.

There was no one around to stop her. No one to pacify her when she came home that day. There were no more dreams, only nightmares the moment she crossed into the house. There were no more triggers - this was life. There was no more life, only ghosts.

Nadia sat with her head hanging over the toilet too long to remember even making her way there. Did she run? She hadn’t even done it yet. Or had she? There was something clinking and clattering inside her mind. A vital piece had been torn away and now rattled each time she shook her head.


Music.

Her ears were ringing from the silence, but without a shred of doubt, she knew there was sound drifting towards her. She stumbled from the bathroom, gripping the walls with her tired fingers. She fumbled her laptop twice before opening it, and playing something - anything - to quiet the mythical cellist.

One white underscore left.

She picked up the mirror and hid it underneath an upside down plate in the alley kitchen.


Nadia Grey, not much had changed other than bad habits.

She’d been in the same apartment for five years, the past two being nauseatingly horrific. Boxing had kept her alive at one point, but her bag was gathering dust. She played her Super Nintendo religiously, but only when she was high. It didn’t matter anymore what it was. Sleep deprivation was the same as any drug. Well, not entirely, but eventually it got the job done.

It’d been four days without a second of dreams. This was when it became a nearly enjoyable experience. Work had cut hours, and the boredom of life was overpowering. Girlfriends came and went. They all adored her, and the knowledge she poured out. Fifth year senior, she told them it made her wiser and that’s why she purposely failed. The truth was unforgivable. So she fought to forget it.

She couldn’t say that anyone did this to her. The universe had given her cards that were nearly impossible to play, but she could have if given the motivation. There was no turning back at this point; she was barreling towards death and loved it. No one could see despair in her eyes because it was no longer there. The recklessness that evolved from isolation was compelling and enticing and she finally stopped resisting.


“God damn it.”

Fists went flying into the bag three, four, five times before she went back to the mirror.


She missed her, with every fiber of her being, but she blocked that, too.

Nadia sat on the floor with her legs crossed for two hours.

The sun rose slowly, tauntingly.

Morning was always here before she could prepare. An hour until work.

Simple, mindless waiting.

Simple, mindless work.

She stood behind a bar and handed coffee to irritable, hung over assholes. This year she was graduating with a psychology major, and a minor in literature. To teach or not to teach. A roomful of students, eyes trained on her, absorbing every word, or judging every movement. A shudder of anxiety racked her body.

One day at a time.

Forty minutes.

Fear flew through her as she stood. Twenty-four, forty-eight… how many hours without sleep? A sudden headache ripped her from delusions. Thank god for it, though, a little pain kept her awake. That and a devilishly hot shower, which she stood in for too long.

Ten minutes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Nadia threw her uniform and sprinted out of the apartment, not bothering to lock the door. Starbucks was across the street, and driving took longer. She hurtled through the cars on the interstate, making it with three minutes to spare.

“You are always on time, Nadia,” her manager was frowning, “But you always look like you went through hell to get here.”

“Sorry,” she pushed hair from her face then briskly braided it. It was still soaking wet, creating a patch on the back of her shirt. She sighed and clocked in, "I'm tired I don't want it," she sang under her breath, "I'm tired I don't want it... I'm tired I don't want it. Coming up for air..."

"Um. Excuse me. Excuse me! Can I get some service?"

Another deep sigh.

At least there was coffee.

this is probably the single worst intro i have ever written, i'm so horrible at them lol. it's hard to get a good impression built up right off the bat for me, i'm best at building my characters as the rp progresses. so you know me :} here's a little bit about where dasha is now, and of course there will be more as we go~ nadiaaa :squish: i thought it might be a little dramatic for nadia if she didn't recognize her at first x)



A busy day for Dasha consisted of short-staffed, rainy afternoons in which floods of annoyed, impatient customers, for some reason, all thought it a great idea to head over to Verizon for a quick solution to their smartphone troubles. On those days, Dasha often felt like a chicken with its head cut off, quickly hopping from one disgruntled customer to the next, just hoping and praying that she wouldn’t get stuck with the same angry customer for more than fifteen minutes. People always seemed to come in for problems that could easily be solved on their own, if only they would put their frustration aside for two seconds to think things through with a clear, level head.

Customer service was a hard field, but there were definitely others who had it worse.
“My phone froze, can’t you do something about it? It’s been stuck on the same screen all day!” A stout, mannish woman screamed at her, and it was all Dasha could do to keep a calm exterior. She held out her hand for the woman’s phone, and she all but slapped it into her palm. Hot potato.

“Have you tried a hard reset?” Dasha mused, turning the phone over in her hands. She held in the Home button and the Power button simultaneously for a few seconds. Away went the awkward mother-daughter picture that was this woman’s home screen. The display went black, and then burst with color. Droid, came the familiar robotic voice.
The woman’s expression switched from anger to confusion. “How did you do that? I tried to turn the damned thing off like a million times!”

“A hard reset is a little different from turning the phone off. It simply resets your phone, essentially powering it off with a shortcut for whenever your phone gets too tired and kind of gives up on you. It’s just these keys,” she showed the woman again, “and you hold for a few seconds, then everything should be fine. It fixes most problems.”

“I will never understand these damned fancy contraptions, but thanks, sweetie.” And off she went, just like that.

And there went Dasha’s last customer. She all but sprinted to the back office, getting in line to clock out, and exited out the back door so that she wouldn’t get caught up with another customer on her way out.

Dasha had gone to college, graduated with a bachelor’s in elementary education, and yet here she was working at Verizon, not at all the field she’d wanted to go into, nearly an entire year later. She’d been at the job for just over six months, and she was quickly tiring of it. Along with her Verizon job, Dasha also dabbled in substitute teaching from time to time. She loved kids. Throughout high school and college, she had always been searching for baby-sitting jobs, had even worked in a day care for a short time. The day she received her teaching license had probably been the best day of her life. Unfortunately, teaching was a hard field to get into. There was such a great need for good teachers, but it was hard to land a job when there were so many other people going into the same field. Dasha had applied for many permanent teaching positions, but no luck so far. Nowadays she mostly landed the substitute teaching gigs. When she received a call for one of those jobs, even if she had to drive out of her way to get to the school, she always felt much more in her element, and didn’t mind the long days nearly as much.

As soon as she reached her car, Dasha grabbed her phone from the center console and pulled up Scott’s contact. Verizon is a pisshole, but I’m out. When are we getting together?  Scott and Dasha had been friends for years, since around their sophomore year of high school. Scott was the glue that held Dasha together whenever everything seemed to want to fall apart. He’d been there for her through thick and thin, difficult and easy times. He’d been there when she’d first discovered her sexuality, and whenever she came out to her dad a few years later and he all but disowned her. He was the first person she’d called whenever she’d nearly fallen asleep at the wheel sometime middle of last year and ended up swerving into a guard rail going 30 miles an hour, totaling her car. He was the voice of reason that talked her into forgiving her dad whenever he found out about her accident. He always picked up her broken pieces and helped her put herself back together. He was her rock.

I’m ready when you are. Scott responded promptly. The two of them hadn’t hung out in a few months. Dasha had been busy with work, Scott with school. He’d graduated the same year as her, but had immediately gone on to performing with a dance academy. They no longer lived in the same town. Dasha had stayed behind in their college town, whereas he had moved a couple hours away. He was a busy man. The past few days, he had been back in town to hang out with friends and family, taking some time off from work to relax. They had a lot of catching up to do.

Once home, Dasha hopped into the shower right off the bat. She was excited to see Scott. Lately, he was the only good friend she had. In front of the bathroom sink, Dasha dried off and wiped the steam from the mirror. She stared at her reflection, wondering what her old friend would think of her when he saw her. She looked more than just a little tired. She was still too thin; hell, she’d be surprised if her metabolism ever shot up. Recently, she’d let her roots grow out, so that while there was still the same magenta she’d sported for years, the first inch or so starting at the base of her head was all dark brown. It looked weird when she tried to tie it back, but decent enough when she left it down, especially when it was longer as it was now, because then it was also wavy and all she had to do was brush it out for it to look nice once it dried. She didn’t mind it too much, she’d gotten used to it.

Dasha dressed in a heavy dark green long sleeved shirt and a pair of black jeans, pulled a pair of narrow, black mid-calf length boots on over her jeans and laced them up. Because of how thin she was, she was almost always cold, so she also pulled on a jacket. She brushed her hair, pushed her bangs back from her eyes, and headed out the door with her keys and wallet jammed into her jacket pocket.

Even though Dasha and Scott had both lived in this town for years and knew all the best restaurants and places to go, Scott had for some reason opted for the most ordinary place for them to meet up. A freaking Starbucks, are you serious? Dasha shot him a text, lightly teasing. Scott was a caffeine junkie, and Starbucks was probably his favorite place in the world. Dasha, however, only went to Starbucks probably once every few months., if even that. To her, it was just something she couldn’t really afford, at the moment, but she’d squared away some money for this little date with Scott, for old time's sake. What a shame that it was being wasted on Starbucks, when there were so many nicer places they could go to where they could get more for their money's worth, but it's not like she was really surprised. In college, Starbucks had been their old haunt. Dasha wouldn’t have allowed it if Scott hadn’t offered to buy so often.

Scott was already inside whenever Dasha showed up, a Carmel Macchiato in hand, partially eaten scone on the table before him. He looked the same as he always did, and that was comforting for Dasha, who felt that most people she’d known throughout school were growing up too quickly and had become hardly recognizable anymore. She quickly hugged him. “Let me go get something real quick, I’ll be right back,” she said, excusing herself for a moment. She turned to face the front, and sighed. The line was decent. She knew the menu almost by heart, but took a moment to scan over her options while the line crawled slowly along. When she reached the front, only then did she turn her attention to the people behind the counter.

Something about the waitress up front made her stomach twist into knots, but Dasha couldn’t quite figure out what was so familiar about her. She stared for a moment too long, contemplating, then shook her mind to clear it. “Ah, I’d just like a vanilla bean latte, please.”

The slow morning caused boredom to creep up Nadia without her even realizing it. Her manager was in the back and the only other worker was sitting at the back table, texting. Fine with her, she needed more tips and something to take the edge of this monotony. She grabbed her laptop from the mammoth backpack and plugged it into the speakers. Carol always hated her music, but if she wasn’t working, then she didn’t get to have a say.

There was no one in the store.

“Gold lion’s gonna tell me where the light iiiiiiisssss!”

“Oh my fucking God Nadia, stop,”

“I’ve been around a few, tell me whatcha saw I’ll tell you what to oh-oh, oh-oh-aaaah aaaahhhhh!”

The door swung open and in came an average man.

She made him a Caramel Macchiato, then got the few others that had walked in after.   They all walked out except for the first, so she kept singing, over Carol’s groans, “Hey, watch the front, you lazy piece of shit,” Nadia yelled, laughing, but she heard her manager’s chair roll in the back. She only came out when there was cussing in the front, “Sorry!” More rolling, and clicking of the keyboard. Crisis averted.

Carol came to the front, dragging her disgusting feet and stood behind the bar as if she was about to get shot and killed, then probably stored in containers and eaten. Nadia stared at her for a moment, and started giggling uncontrollably as she walked to the bathroom.

She pulled the tiny bag from her front pocket and packed the front of the cut straw, letting the powder easily fall into her brain. She tied the sack, flushed the toilet, washed her hands and came back out as a bright haired female was walking through the door. Her heart sank, but she quickly went back to the bar and pushed Carol out. The disgruntled teen shuffled back to her spot in the back.

Hawaii by Blackbird Blackbird came on shuffle.

“I’m moving on, and on and on, I’m moving and on and on,” she sang under her breath, and Carol’s eyes shot towards her.

“I’m going to tell Melanie that you’re harassing the customers.”

“Shh,” Nadia grinned, and turned her attention to the woman at her counter. She knew exactly who it was, but also knew that she didn’t recognize her. Of course she didn’t, there was almost nothing about her that was the same. Her hair was twice as long, thin, would have been fried if she hadn’t gotten it cut yesterday. It was still that same mousy brown, her eyes still the same bright green, but that was all.

Her heart was punching the inside of her chest.

“Vanilla bean latte,” she didn’t ask the name, and wrote ‘sprite’ in elegant cursive on the side of her cup, setting it down so Dasha couldn’t see, “Four thirty-five.”

She made the coffee, more perfectly than she ever had. Her heart still threatened to leave her body. When the Faint came on shuffle, and Carol started freaking out, saying something about revolting music, Nadia switched it to Death Letter by the White Stripes. She belted that out, too, while finishing up the latte, putting whipped cream on top, even though she didn’t ask. She couldn’t imagine Dasha not eating it, but even if she didn’t, she’d have to come back and get another one - and that was fine with Nadia.

“Vanilla bean!” she shouted in a strangled voice. Memories were flooding her mind, and she was doing everything she could to keep them down. She pushed the cup onto the receiving counter and then wandered back to her computer. She shouldn’t have wrote it, she should’ve continued on without Dasha knowing who she was. She would survive, as she always done, and now she’d created an unavoidable vortex of awkward.

Dasha didn’t mind the music. Normally it would have been a little odd, but this strange woman behind the counter, she had a good mood about it. Dasha could tell that if a customer were to complain, she probably would have turned it off, but no one was complaining except for her coworker, and obviously she was having a good deal of fun torturing her. Something was horribly off about this woman, and Dasha knew exactly what it was. She was high as a kite. She could see it in her eyes, how dilated her pupils were, the eccentricity. Dasha almost felt uneasy about having her prepare her drink, but she was watching, and she did a damn good job. There was a lot of care that went into her preparation. That one drink, she was impressed.

When the woman called out her order, she moved forward to take the cup, offering a small smile and a couple dollars tip before heading back to her table. Scott was still there, watching silently, a small smile on his lips.

“I think someone’s got a crush on you,” he said, pointing to her cup. The way Dasha had grabbed it, she had to turn it all the way around to see the name written on the side. Sprite. Her heart flipped, her hand slipped, and she nearly dropped the cup altogether. Only one person had ever called her that, and now with a memory to connect to the face, she recognized who the woman behind the counter was. No wonder it hadn't hit her sooner, she didn’t look the same at all. She spun around, searching her face. Well, it was her alright.

“Holy wow,” was all she could say. Dasha slumped into the seat across from Scott. “That’s Nadia.”

“Who is Nadia again?” It really had been a while, if even Scott had forgotten. He pushed his bangs out of his eyes and turned discreetly in his seat to squint at the waitress behind the counter. It was humorous that he was even bothering to be discreet in the first place, because Dasha was flat out staring, no shame. She couldn’t believe it. Nadia, on drugs? “Did you have a one night stand that I don’t know about?”

“No, not like that... It's Nadia, of the history class Nadia, the boxer Nadia,” she pointed at the nickname written on her cup, “She used to call me a garden sprite, because of my hair. She’s the reason I tried to come out to my dad, before that all fell apart. I haven’t seen her in years. We sort of had a...thing, sort of,” She couldn’t remember seeing her at graduation, or any time since then. Things had just sort of fallen apart after the one night they had kissed, and after Dasha tried to come out to her dad hoping that would make things easier to deal with, and he all but disowned her, she’d just never ended up going back. She couldn’t believe how much Nadia had changed. She was thinner, didn’t look like she was boxing anymore, or doing much of anything really… She didn’t have to say the most shameful part of it- that Nadia was on drugs now, for whatever reason. She knew Scott could tell by the sympathetic look on his face when he turned around. But somehow, he knew it wasn't the drugs she was worried about.

“Ohhh, that Nadia. The one you were practically head-over-heels for and all tore up about that you never went back and fixed things with her. I don’t think I’ve ever actually met that one,” he mused aloud. He reached into his backpack sitting on the booth beside him and pulled out a notebook and pen. Dasha gave him a pointed look, but he ignored her. “Normally I wouldn't do something like this, of course, but she sure looks like she could use some help and I’ve got just the person for her to talk to.” Before she could stop him, Scott had scribbled her phone number onto the paper and darted up to the counter. He rapped on the tabletop a couple times to get Nadia’s attention and waited for her to walk over before handing her the slip. “You guys should probably talk,” Dasha heard him say, before he turned back around, heading not back to their table, but rather for the bathroom. Dasha was panicking in her seat, wished she could just disappear. She buried her face in her hands, still peeking through her fingers. God, why did she ever tell Scott anything? He always took matters into his own hands, like he thought he was some kind of match-maker or something.

She didn't know what to do. Would Nadia come over, and if not, would she even call? Clearly she must have recognized her, unlike Dasha... but of course there was no reason for her not to, considering that Dasha still looked pretty much the same, aside from her hair being longer and her roots growing out. If she had been at all apathetic to her presence, she wouldn't have written the name on her cup. Was it a flirt, a taunt, or just a way of letting her know that she remembered her? Could Dasha even still trust her, considering she was all strung out? She was both nervous and terrified of what might happen in the next few moments. What would she say, if Nadia walked up to her right now? And how would she feel if she didn't? She had no idea.

The minutes ticked by dreadfully slow, and as each one passed, Nadia got less high and more terrified. She should have let Dasha continue on, instead of disrupting her peaceful life. She kept her eyes on the pink hair while the two talked, listening carefully. Blink, blink, blink. Her boyfriend, or so she assumed, was now standing at the counter with a slip of paper in his hand. She stared at it and tried to say thank you, but it came out strangled and rough. He walked away and she continued to gape.

What should she do?

She was a burden that no one could carry, and she knew that if she went to Dasha now, the days without sleep and the drugs would give away the fact that she was struggling. Not simply struggling, but flailing, digging into a hole that was too deep for ropes and ladders. Tears stung her eyes and she walked briskly to her coworker, who noticed the glassy eyes before she even had to say anything. Empathy crossed over Carol’s face.

“Go home. I can work now,” she stood up, stretched, smiled then gave Nadia an unexpected hug. Surely she had been watching, and she was smarter than people gave her credit for, especially when it came to the social aspects of life. She sauntered up to the counter and glared at Dasha for a moment, wondering briefly what had happened between them. It had to have been something drastic, considering she had never seen Nadia show any shred of real emotion.

“Thank you, Carol,” Nadia whispered on her way out, head down and paper still between her fingers. She shed more tears on the walk home, telling herself it was just the drugs, just the sleep deprivation, just the general depression, not Dasha. No. It had been years, and the feeling never faded. Now, she was a rag doll, not worthy of someone’s love, especially not hers.

Once she got to her apartment, she sat in the middle of the floor, phone in hand. She typed in Dasha’s number, saved it, then opened a new message.

‘sorry i ditched’

And that was it.

There were no other words. Her well had run dry. She sat on her knees and bent forward, head on the ground and arms outstretched before her, and fell asleep.

When Scott didn't return for a few minutes, Dasha knew it was on purpose. He was a little brat, probably thinking that if he just disappeared for a bit the two of them would wind up sitting together, work everything out, like it was that easy. But things had ended so abruptly, and it had been years since the two of them had talked. Nadia might have even moved on, might not have even cared anymore. And while Dasha wasn't upset with Nadia in any way whatsoever, she wouldn't blame the other girl if she had been with her. It was going to take more than just a few minutes of conversation for things to heal between them, if Nadia even took Scott's bait in the first place. There was no telling what could happen.

Dasha watched the other carefully from her seat at the booth. Even if she hadn't been so nervous, she wasn't going to be the first to start this conversation. That was up to Nadia, because Nadia was the one who got screwed over years ago when Dasha had just up and vanished out of nowhere. She felt so terrible, especially considering she had promised that she would talk to her again, but never had. Not a text, not a call. She'd even avoided her at school, out of guilt. Eventually she just became numb to it, accepting that she had screwed everything up and it could probably never be fixed. The way things had fallen apart between them, it wasn't something that needed to happen the way it did. That was all Dasha's fault, and she didn't think she deserved a second chance with how she just split. She could have gone back, could have at least explained, but she never did. And that left her feeling empty, having something so important left unresolved. Especially seeing Nadia now, the way she was. She looked horrible.

Even from a distance, Dasha noticed the change in Nadia after what Scott had done. She saw everything, the surprise on her face whenever he handed her the paper with her phone number on it and then just left, leave the door wide open for her to go over right then and there and sit down and start talking. But she didn't. Instead, something seemed to break inside of her. She was clearly battling something in her mind, and losing. Dasha's mouth went dry, heart pounding, as Nadia walked off in the other direction. She couldn't see her then. By the time she reappeared, Scott was sitting back at the table with her, and both of them watched as she headed for the door and kept walking. As the door swung shut behind her, Dasha laid her head on the table, thumping it once, twice against the wood. "She's upset," she croaked, peeking up at Scott. She shot him a look of scorn, but he already looked guilty.

"I'm sorry," he said, reaching out to grab her hands. He held them tight in his own for a moment or two, then let go. "Well, maybe she will text you," he offered, and he was right. Maybe she would. There was no telling what could happen.

The two finished their drinks and sat in the cafe for a little bit longer, just talking about everything that had gone on in their lives since the last time they had seen each other. Dasha had turned her phone on silent before she'd even walked in, but now it was on vibrate, just in case if Nadia texted. They were just getting up to leave whenever it went off. Dasha's heart jumped back into her throat. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and there it was, challenging her. Unknown contact. Who else could it have been, really?

"What's it say?" Scott said, peeking over her shoulder.

"It just says 'sorry I ditched,'" Dasha mumbled, fingers hovering over the keyboard for a moment, before she suddenly closed her phone. She didn't know what to say yet. She wanted a moment to think it over properly, once she was alone again. Scott took the hint, and lead her towards the doorway and out to her car.

"Alright love, well I'll catch you again before I head back, alright? I'm really glad we got to see each other. You let me know how that goes, okay?" She'd had her head down, worrying already, and suddenly he grabbed her face, turning it back up. "Don't worry, everything will be fine," He pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms tight around her waist. Dasha sighed, burying her face against his shoulder. Scott was such a good guy, she couldn't possibly be mad at him. He meant well, and hell, he'd done more about resolving what had happened to their relationship than either of them had done in the past few years.

"Thanks, Scott," she mumbled, leaning back on her heels. "I'll see you later," and she got into her car, driving back home. All she could think on the drive home was that she was going to have a heart attack and end up driving into another guard rail or something. She drove slow, and once she reached her apartment complex, she climbed to the second level and went straight inside, not bothering to check the mail. She ignored the mess left behind by her roommates and turned off the lights they'd forgotten to shut off as she made her way back to her room. Once there, she threw herself on her bed and curled up beneath her blankets. Her phone was in her hands already, Nadia's message pulled up. Her fingers shook as she typed a message back. She had a million different things she wanted to say, but she had to narrow it down to just one for now. She didn't want to overwhelm Nadia again.

It's okay....how are you doing?? She pressed send before she could add anything more, then tossed her phone aside and grabbed her laptop, cranking the volume up high. She wasn't paying attention as she turned on a song from Spotify, any song. She just needed the noise, because in the next moment she was crying, sobbing, harder than she had in a really long time.




The guilt was overwhelming, overpowering her; it had been so long since she'd faced it. And she couldn't handle it, now that it was flooding back to her all at once.

Nadia slowly uncurled herself. Her face was wet. How long had she been asleep?

She rubbed her eyes and stumbled to her feet, grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the carton in the corner and went outside. Her hands shook while she lit one, then opened her phone.

“how are you doing??”

If only she could spill everything to her. It didn’t matter that she had practically been abandoned, her faith in Dasha was still strong. She stared at the screen, wondering if a flat out lie was the best option here. It was the only option, “fine, i guess, just in a weird place” was at least partially true, except for the fine part. Every day was like pushing through a fog, she took steps and hoped for the best even though her foot could be on a trigger.

She sent the text. It had been a few hours since she’d received it, but sleep was necessary at this point. She wanted Dasha to come over, talk, play, maybe even laugh. It was too late.

Nadia dragged herself back inside, pulling out a plate and bag.

Loneliness and boredom drove her towards an incomprehensible madness.

She opened her phone.

“are you awake?” she doubted it, but it was worth a shot. No. It wasn’t, there were too many possibilities and she would be too high and delirious to be coherent. She erased it, “want to play some mario kart tomorrow? maybe rent a movie?”

Memories flooded back to her. Those were the last days she remembered being genuine. With Dasha, she had been exactly who she was supposed to be. She used to a child, a happy giggling kid, and now she was a broken monster. She hid underneath her own bed, waiting to devour any passer by, but when there are no people around a beast, they begin to consume their own soul.

She couldn’t push the images from her mind. The simple adoration they had for each other had been flawless and true. Fingers accidentally grazing against skin freed a thousand butterflies. Nadia recalled their last moment with a pang of regret. She should have fought harder instead of letting her run. She could have made her stay. She could have eased her doubt and fears. She could have helped her accept herself. She could have been there when she told her dad. She could have covered her in kisses afterwards.

She ambled back to the plate, tears of frustration and disappointment spilled from her eyes. It was clear that she should have chased her. She already knew that Dasha would apologize, thinking that she was in the wrong, but she had done exactly what she should have - Nadia would have brought her down with her, stealing all life and joy and finally leaving an empty shell. She also knew that she would have to be the one to run this time, otherwise she would shatter yet another beautiful spirit.

Dasha checked her phone probably a million times over the next twenty minutes, each time coming up empty-handed. She could only assume that Nadia had fallen asleep; when she’d seen her it looked like she hadn’t had a good night’s rest in days. It honestly didn’t even cross her mind that Nadia might have been ignoring her because she knew that wasn’t what it was. The girl had certainly changed, but if she hadn’t wanted to talk to her then she wouldn’t have texted her in the first place. Dasha knew that wasn’t the type of person she was. Eventually, even Dasha fell asleep. Jesus Christ by the Brand New played quietly on repeat in the background, her phone set on vibrate underneath her pillow.

She slept well considering how upset she had been before passing out, but was only out for a few hours. When she awoke again, she continued to lay around for another fifteen minutes or so and then got up to make herself something to eat. She was just heading back to her room with a turkey and cheese sandwich when she heard her phone buzzing. She set the plate on her desk and pulled out her phone. Nadia.

The first message was brief, ordinary, and made her chest start hurting again. It didn’t seem completely honest. How could she be fine when she was clearly taking drugs now? “Weird place” seemed like it would be an understatement in that type of situation. She sighed and flipped over to the next message, couldn’t help but smile as she read it. There was the sweet, playful Nadia she had known years ago. It was wonderful to know that the other girl didn’t seem mad, even if she still might have been upset. The uneasiness in her stomach disappeared as the butterflies took over.

In all the time that had passed without either one of them talking to each other, it was a wonder that Nadia was still able to make her feel those butterflies. Even though Nadia was clearly having problems right now, the feelings were still there. In fact, they had never left. She’d been alone all this time, not allowing herself to date, just because of it; knowing that if she tried to date anyone else, it would feel like cheating. She was still completely head over heels for this girl she had once known. Dasha knew that Nadia was probably a completely different person compared to years ago, just as she herself was not at all the same person either… and yes, she was certainly going to have to do something about this drug problem, but aside from that, she was more than willing to get to know the new Nadia, pick up the pieces of their broken friendship and start over again.

Her reply came easily. I would love to. She flipped through her calendar and looked at what time she worked tomorrow. 9-4. I can be there around 5. That sound good?


The next day at work passed mind-numbingly slow. It wasn’t nearly as busy as the day before, but four o’clock couldn’t seem to come soon enough. Finally it did, and Dasha hauled ass out of the store, her co-workers teasing her on her way out. It had only taken an hour for them to pull the details out of her about why she was in such a good mood, and the rest of the day had been spent with them teasing her about having a date. Each time it made her blush, which only made them tease her more. Was that what it was- a date?

It didn’t take long for Dasha to get home and shower, but picking something out to wear was a little harder. Normally she wasn’t the type to worry about what other people thought of the way she’d looked. With the pink hair, she’d gotten past that years ago. However, she really wanted to look good for Nadia right now. And so she combed her hair out well, making sure all the knots were completely gone, and put on a little bit of eyeliner and mascara to bring her eyes out. As her hair air-dried, it started to wave a little; she didn’t bother tying it up because she always thought it looked nicest down when it was longer as it was now. She put on her favorite outfit, a comfortably fit, incredibly soft dark burgundy cowl neck long sleeved shirt and a pair of black jeans. She laced up a pair of boots and a pulled a grey cardigan on, feeling like a hipster, definitely looking the part, but at least she looked nice. Dressed to impress. She started to feel her nerves getting worked up again.

She’d gotten Nadia’s address the night before, so once she was ready, she headed out. It didn’t take long to get there. She was surprised to find it was the same exact place Nadia had lived in before. She still remembered what she’d told her then, to be careful because it was a bit of a shady area. There was the Starbucks even, just across the street. It was strange to think she’d been that close all along. Dasha made sure to lock her doors and started upstairs. When she got to the room number Nadia had given her, she paused, taking a moment to try to calm her nerves again. It was no use- the butterflies were already flooding in. It took all the courage she had to knock on the door.

Buzzing against the countertop brought her back. It couldn’t be anyone but Dasha.

Despite the gnawing anxiety in her stomach and the dark corners in her vision, she smiled.

“sounds perfect. 4852 Ada Drive, 24b”

Sleep.

Morning was not what she wanted. Work would be hell. Not giving her a shift at six in the morning was the one rule she had for Melanie. She trudged across the street, hair still damp, eyes half open. The triple shot latte she made herself did absolutely nothing except give her a pounding headache. Carol was there again, looking equally downtrodden. Nadia resisted a grin. The teen nudged her, “What do you have on you?”

Nadia arched a brow. She’d never said anything about what she did, but then again, it was probably obvious, “You’re too young.”

Carol giggled, “So are you.”

“Listen little lady, I’m not giving shit to you.”

“Please Nadia, I helped you out yesterday. I’ll get dude to bring me a gram up here and I’ll split it with you - free.”

Temptation rolled through her veins and she quickly took the bait. She handed Carol a makeup compact, “Open the lower compartmen- not right here, you jackass. Bathroom, now, and if you spill all that I will literally kill you.”

The day was shrouded in a tweaky haze. It went by quicker than she had expected. They had two hours left, and they were both standing with their foreheads to the counter, “Where is everybody?!” Carol screamed, “WHY. I AM SO BORED.”

Nadia cringed, “Please. Oh my God, please, please stop yelling.”

The last hour passed slower than the rest of the day. In the last fifteen minutes, a crowd of assholes meandered in, and their two o’clock relief refused to take care of them. Nadia passed them to Carol, who would fawn over pretty faces and not even care about the snark level. She grabbed her bag, clocked out and snuck around Melanie, leaving without doing any side work. Laughing and running across the street, Nadia felt a genuine emotion rising from underneath the high. She was excited, expectant, hopeful.

She stood now in front of her closet, wet hair dripping down her back. There was nothing in here that she wanted Dasha to see. A sigh. Surely she knew Nadia wasn’t very fashionable. She grabbed her best fitting jeans and a dark teal tank. Socks, no shoes. She threw on a little mascara, almost forgot how to apply eyeliner, then combed her tangled mane out. It dried well, curling at the bottom and falling gently around her bony face.

Once she heard the knock, she quickly moved her plate into one of the kitchen cabinets, straightened her shirt and pushed her hair back. One, two, three deep breaths, then she opened the door, her heart dropping into her stomach. Nadia did everything to resist the urge to pick the girl up and squeeze, but it did no good. She was above the world right now, “Dasha,” she said softly and wrapped her arms around her, bringing her inside the apartment and giving her a few twirls before setting her down gently and grinning wickedly, “Sorry, I tried not to. You’re just actually here and… I’m sorry. I’m sorry about yesterday. I wanted to come talk to you, but… you know. I just… I was tired, and emotional, and I couldn’t bring myself to say hello when I was so down.”

i edited it, added a little more it's nice to write dasha being purposely cutesy for once haha

Seeing Nadia in the flesh for the first time in so long was amazing. It was different than seeing her at work yesterday, because they hadn't gotten to talk then. Now she was right here in front of her and they could spend as much time together as they wanted, no interruptions. She could hardly believe this was happening. When the door started to open, her face instantly broke out into a grin. If she'd been nervous about seeing Nadia at all, it went away in the instant that Nadia swept her up and started twirling her around. She was laughing, her chest swelling with joy. When she set her down, she was so caught up in the moment that for a second she almost moved in to kiss her. If Nadia hadn't started talking then, she might have actually done it. Almost.

She reached out and grabbed Nadia's hands, giving them a small squeeze. "Nadia, it is perfectly fine. Please don't apologize for anything. Scott caught you so off guard yesterday, I don't blame you at all. He's such an airhead sometimes," she reached around to shut the door behind them and led Nadia further into the apartment. "Your place looks just the same," she said, looking around. There was the punching bag, although it didn't look like it was being used much anymore.  The Nintendo hooked up to her TV, where they'd played Mario Kart together and Nadia had let her win. The memories were flooding in.

When she turned back to Nadia, she looked sadder, her eyes shining with tears. She leaned in and put her head on Nadia's shoulder, breathing in the scent of her skin. She wasn't scared of being affectionate, because she knew this is where she wanted and needed to be right now. She'd never felt more at home with another person than she did with Nadia. "I've missed you so much," she mumbled, turning her face to the side so that she could peer up at the other girl, cheek resting against her collarbone. "I wish I'd know how much I would end up missing you whenever I left, maybe then I wouldn't have," She wrapped her arms around her waist and linked her hands against the small of her back, leaning back now. "I am so sorry I disappeared on you like that. I just... I had a lot of problems with myself, you know? I wasn't ready to deal with them."

Was she even ready to deal with them now? Yeah, she was a lot more comfortable with her sexuality than she had once been, and she'd certainly grown to accept her feelings for Nadia and was no longer afraid to show them with her, even if she was still a little hesitant from time to time, like with how badly she wanted to kiss her right now. But she held off on that, because she wanted it to be perfect, wanted them to at least have a chance to talk first. She led Nadia over to the bed and had her sit down on the edge, then continued over to the TV and switched it on. She picked up one of the Nintendo remotes off the floor, tossed the other onto the bed for Nadia. "So, you up for a game of Mario Kart? I'll bet you for secrets again." She figured that'd be the easiest way to get a conversation started about everything they needed to talk about without making the moment too tense. Nadia clearly had some difficult stuff going on in her life right now, and Dasha had more than enough to tell herself. She still had to explain why she'd left, and why she'd never ended up coming back.

The only thing Dasha was truly afraid of was that getting involved with the other girl again meant having to revisit the topic with her dad, and that wasn't something she thought she'd ever be ready for. But it was certainly worth the risk, if it meant having Nadia in her life again. This time she didn't plan on leaving.

“These things happen,” Nadia shrugged, on the edge of uncomfortable she hadn’t been loving every second of Dasha being so physically tender. The first time Nadia had wrapped her fingers around her hand, she would have believed she was sending the girl into a world of panic. She swallowed hard and blinked down at the girl’s hands, listening but not hearing. It only took ten minutes for her = high to become a pesky goblin in her mind, whispering into her ear, telling her she wouldn’t be fine unless she did more. Saying Dasha would be able to tell when she was coming down. Her jaw clenched briefly, but she relaxed it immediately, trying to calm her nerves, “If you hadn’t left, you’d never know…all tiny moments happen to bring us to the right one.”

Her sense was fading.

She delicately brushed her fingers against the side of Dasha’s face and smiled, trying to push back the overwhelming sense of panic that was rising in her chest. Her pupils would no longer be dilated, but they were fidgety, trying to escape the holes they were trapped in, “You don’t have to explain anything until you’re ready,” she paused here, still fighting dread, “Or until I beat your pixie ass.”

Nadia clicked the Nintendo on, but nothing happened. She took a deep breath, struggling with keeping her hands steady and her head focused. She took out the cartridge and blew into it. Following the motions of life was easy, but how could she speak clearly with Dasha if she wanted to freak out? She slammed the game back into the Nintendo, pushed the on button up and laughed in relief when the logo dinged on. The problem with this game, this specific game they were about to play, is that she had to win. She planned on keeping her secrets well hidden tonight.

But she didn’t.

She lost miserably.

Her car dove into lava pit there was. Cursing under her breath the entire time, and still careening poorly around each corner. When the loser title popped up on her screen, hysteria sat in. There were tears gathering in her eyes, not from loss, but from fear and apprehension. She stared at Dasha, eyes becoming voids, and began to cackle.

“Rematch?” she already knew what the answer would be. Her stomach knotted, and bile rose in her throat, “I killed my dad.”

Dasha could tell something was up with Nadia, but she didn't know what. She wondered momentarily if she was being a bit too intense with the affection for the first time they'd seen each other in years, and made a mental note to back off a little bit. She was surprising even herself here, with how easily the affection came. But then, her feelings for Nadia were very strong, much stronger than she'd ever thought they could be considering how little time they'd had together. She wasn't sure she could necessarily say she loved the other girl, because there was still a lot they didn't know about each other, but there was definitely something there.

When Nadia started up the Nintendo, Dasha was grateful for a distraction, even if it was only a temporary one. She hadn't played Mario Kart in a while, so she was sure she wouldn't be much better at it than she had been the last time they'd played together. She wasn't scared of playing for secrets this time, because this time she didn't have as much to hide. Dasha had lived a mostly ordinary life, so there wasn't a whole lot she felt she couldn't speak openly about. The last time they'd played for secrets, her biggest secret would have been that she was gay. Nowadays, she'd become a lot more comfortable with that part of herself, even if it still wasn't something she acted on very much. Now, even her father knew that detail about herself. She wasn't sure what she would tell Nadia if she lost, except for telling her about what all had led up to her leaving, but that was more truth than it was secret.

However, Dasha didn't lose. For once, she won fair and square. She'd been sneaking glances at Nadia while the game went on, and she could tell that the other girl wasn't just letting her win. Something was terribly wrong, and by the end of the game Dasha was highly on edge. When the game ended, she set her remote down and looked at Nadia. Were those tears in her eyes? She didn't know what to expect, but she certainly wasn't prepared for what came next. "What?" That was all she could think to say. How do you react whenever someone tells you that they killed their own father? What do you even say? She couldn't imagine this girl in front of her killing anyone, especially not her own kin. She stared, heart hammering in her chest, searching Nadia's eyes for an explanation. She didn't want the other girl to think she might have been judging her, because she certainly wasn't, but she just didn't understand, didn't know how to act. She turned her body to face the other girl, giving her her full attention. "What happened, Nadia?"

Nadia kept her face unchanged, trying to piece together what had happened, “I honestly barely remember it. I was nine and all I know is that I had a serious reason for picking up that gun,” she paused, rolling memories around in her head, “My mother was crying… and bloody. And he was screaming. He had another gun, a bigger one, a shotgun-” no tears, not yet, besides the initial glassiness of her eyes. This was not something she tried to recall, ever, “-he was calling her a whore, which she was, but only I could call her that.”

A short laugh followed then she instinctively stood to go get her drugs, but sat back down quickly. Surely Dasha would credit that to her distraught state of mind. She was struggling to keep her hold on reality. There was black around the edges of her vision. Her teeth ground against each other as she continued to try and remember, but there was nothing, “That’s all. I blocked the rest,” she looked at Dasha with an oddly twisted smile, “That was my first taste of blood. Not that I’ve killed anyone else,” she stumbled over her words. She’d never picked up a gun after that, but she’d thought about it.”

She coughed awkwardly, wanting to cry, but resisting. Years of therapy had never weep, but at this moment, she wanted to curl up around Dasha and let the tears come. There was no point in them, though, so she picked up her controller, focusing her mind away from the cocaine that was sitting in her glass cabinet, and clicked back to the select a track screen, “Again? I’m not losing this time.”

so much dialogue...lol.

As Nadia told what she remembered of her story, Dasha found herself itching to reach out and grab hold of the other girl, pull her closer. She'd always had an idea that Nadia might have had a difficult childhood, but nothing like this. She felt a pang in her chest just thinking of the other girl ever having to deal with a situation like that at such a young age, and to hear the girl had killed her own father just blew her mind. She'd never even handled a gun before, couldn't even imagine firing one at someone at only nine years old. But clearly, Nadia had done what she'd needed to do to survive. She didn't blame her for it, held no judgment or animosity in the lease bit. Again, she didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, the words feeling inadequate. She was surprised the other girl didn't cry, although she could still see the glassiness in her eyes, could feel the tension in the air.

When Nadia turned the topic back to the game, Dasha felt grateful and guilty at the same time. She cracked her knuckles and picked up her controller, nodding absently. "Game on," she said, laughing shortly. She pressed the start button, but her mind was elsewhere when the game started. She tried to stay on track, but Nadia was certainly playing for the win this time. Finally, the game ended and Dasha was the loser this time. She set her remote aside and sighed. "My dad was a homophobe. That's why I split on you. He and I never talked about it before, but he was very open about his beliefs."

She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest. "He wasn't necessarily mean-spirited, but he was very close-minded. We'd be walking around Walmart and we'd see someone who looked gay, and I knew he was going to say something about it before he even opened his mouth. He had no clue about me, so he wasn't purposely trying to make me uncomfortable, but he just didn't have a filter for things like that, you know? So I didn't have a whole lot of a support system from my own family, because he was about the only family I had," She looked at Nadia, this girl she'd had feelings for for the past three years. She smiled weakly and continued, "When I ran away on you, I went to my best friend Scott, the one from Starbucks, and asked him what to do, because I knew from the moment you kissed me that I had a problem on my hands. I'd known there was something different about myself, but I'd never allowed myself to think I might be interested in girls because I loved my dad and I knew he would freak."

"He told me it was time I admit it, that I couldn't run from it anymore. So I went to my dad and told him I liked girls. I swear I planned on going back to you, but my dad reacted worse than I'd thought he would and I just got so scared." She leaned her head on her hands, massaging her temples with her fingers. "He stopped talking to me for months. I was a wreck. And then I got into a car accident... The hospital called to tell him I had gotten in a wreck and he was there within hours, he didn't leave my bedside until I woke up. He couldn't accept this part of me, but he still loved me."

"I haven't stopped thinking about you since what happened, but I didn't want to lose my dad again, so I basically shoved it all down." Her chest hurt, her voice was getting hoarse from talking so much, but she continued on, "Any time someone hit on me, whether it was a guy or a girl or whatever, I basically just turned and walked away. A lot of people think I'm a bitch now, but I just....didn't want to lose my dad. I don't have anyone else."

This time losing really wasn’t an option, there was only one secret she had left and that one was going to stay tucked away for a long time. She expertly avoided all Mario traps and bananas and crossed the finish line in first. She threw her arms in the air and laughed, “Aha!” But when Dasha began to tell her story, her face changed. Everything made sense, and the idea that she should have chased her was even clearer now. That was a time where she needed someone to support her, someone to guide her through a time in her life where she had no one - except Scott.

Nadia didn’t resist.

She reached forward and pulled Dasha towards her, wrapping her lanky arms around her mid back and giving her a squeeze, “The hardest thing to do is the tell one you love that you are what they hate,” she leaned back, hands moving to her arms and looked at her, tilting her head to the side, “You’re a strong sprite. I’m glad you told him. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you were in need… you know I would have done anything to be the one that stood by your side. I forgive you for leaving, don’t ever think I’m angry about that. I was sad and hurt, but I always knew… I always knew there was a reason.”

A smile passed over her lips. The sketchy feeling that was shaking her body faded. No longer high, and finally not feeling jittery and uncomfortable, she gently pressed her palm against Dasha’s cheek, but then quickly pulled it back and stood up. She coughed. So, she had admitted to her father that she was gay, and so they were both falling all over each other, but Nadia refused to scare her away - again.

“Hungry?” she asked awkwardly, moving towards the kitchen.

There wasn’t much to say now - their secrets were lingering in the air and Nadia felt queasy from the all the truth.

Dasha was near tears whenever Nadia reached over and pulled her close. It felt so nice to be able to sit down and talk about what happened with Nadia. She still felt bad about everything, but it was getting better. "I wish you had been there, even though you probably would have kicked his ass with the way he acted about it." She tried to imagine Nadia being there whenever she'd told her dad, standing right beside her, maybe even holding her hand. Her dad would have freaked out even more then, and she could hardly imagine Nadia standing for any of it. "I never meant for you to get hurt, everything just kind of...got really hard to deal with for a while there. I should have kept you around though, you would have made it a lot easier."

Now Nadia knew the truth, and where to go from here? They needed a break from all this emotional business. Nadia's hand felt warm against her cheek, the touch was comforting and sweet. Dasha could feel the color creeping up her neck and spreading across her cheeks, but then Nadia pulled her hand back and stood up. Tension started to creep back into the air, but Dasha wasn't about to let that happen. She stood as well and joined the other in the kitchen. "Yeah, a little bit," she looked around Nadia's tiny kitchen and smiled as a memory started to return. "Actually, let's see. Do you still only eat hummus and ramen, or do we need to head over to Waffle House again?" She leaned back against the countertop and looked at Nadia, how much thinner she'd gotten over the past few years, even lost a little bit of her muscle tone. She still looked nice, still gorgeous, but Dasha could certainly tell something else was going on. She hadn't forgotten about the day before, whenever Nadia had been high at work.

"I think I need to start coming over here and making you home cooked meals. If you're not too tired, do you want to just go out insteas? I can pay," she had her wallet, her car, and she was certainly hungry enough. She was even dressed up already. A wicked smile started to creep across her lips, a hint of bravery. Dasha had noticed how Nadia had been edging around her a little bit, trying not to be too affectionate. She wanted the other girl to know how she felt and that she didn't mind the affection, as long as the feeling was still mutual. She was still scared, but she didn't want to be anymore. So she mustered up all the courage she had and looked Nadia right in the eyes. "We can even make it a date," she raised her eyebrows, gave a crooked smile. Flirting was so awkward. "You know, if you want to..."

She smiled easily, “You’re damn right I would have,” and it was the truth. If she had been there to witness Dasha’s father making an ass out of himself… well. There was nothing Dasha could do about the way she felt, and there was nothing Nadia could do about people making her mad. They both responded in appropriate, or semi-appropriate ways, “Maybe that’s why you had to leave, otherwise your dad would have been even more homophobic. You know I can’t keep my words in - can you imagine the way I am when I’m mad, or when someone I care about is being hurt, and I can stop it by being mean?” she tripped over her words, and not making any attempt to fix the incoherent ramble, “Sometimes I can’t control it, sometimes I can. I’m hateful, spiteful. I’m proud of my cruelty Dasha, you wouldn’t have wanted me to be there when you told him…” she mumbled the last part under her breath, and suddenly the urge for her pretty piece of glass came back; she took a few deep inhales to calm her heart, “Sorry, I’m done.”

She saw the way Dasha was looking at her, like she was an underfed puppy, but it made her smile regardless. Home cooked meals? Nadia grinned, hoping that she could redirect the energy away from her purposeless rant, “A date? Well then,” she resisted a tiny giggle, “In that case, let me put on something a little more… boojey.”

Nadia wandered to her closet, glancing at the other clothes she had. More jeans, more tank tops. A frown crossed over her lips as she grabbed a dusty green knit sweater. She pulled it over her head, tugging the sleeves down her arms and adjusting the v. She did a spin on her heel for Dasha, and found herself wanting to pick her up again, this time pulling her closer, letting that pink hair fall into face. She’d have to push it all away if she wanted to kiss her. Her heart skipped, just once, and she ran the image from her head, “Let’s go then, my little sprite.”

Fortunately for them, everything they ever needed was across the street. Nadia grasped her hand, same as before, then bolted across the interstate. There weren’t many cars, they only passed two, but they were close. Nadia cackled delightedly the entire way. When they made it to Waffle House, she, with a creepy half bow and swing of the arm, opened the door for Dasha, then she stepped in front and led them to one of the corner booths. The older waitress smiled and waved, “Hey Nadi, how ya doing? Who’s this pretty lady? Coffee?” Nadia nodded and grinned, color rising to her cheeks.

“You want coffee too?”

Dasha didn't like whenever Nadia started putting herself down. She frowned, grasping the other's hand momentarily, "I would have," she said firmly, hoping to bring Nadia's spirits back up. "You would have stood up for me when I couldn't myself. Maybe you could have even talked some sense into my dad." He would have been angry in the moment, but if Nadia had been there to challenge his opinion maybe she could have changed it as well. "Lord knows he needs a good talking to from someone who isn't afraid to speak their mind."

She was happy to see the way Nadia lit up at the idea of turning Waffle House into a date. The day had been so tense and weepy, it was a great relief to add a little light-hearted fun into it. She watched Nadia wander over to her closet and finally pick out a green knit sweater that looked like it hadn't been worn in a while. Her lips curved into a grin whenever the girl spun on her heel to show off her choice. "You clean up nice," she teased, before bending down to slip her boots back on, hastily lacing them up before joining Nadia at the door and following her out.

Dasha wasn't sure she'd ever get used to Nadia's running across the interstate rather than using the crosswalk. She held the other girl's hand firmly as they ran across traffic, grateful that it was late so there were very few cars on the roads. She could see why Nadia ran, as it was surely exhilerating, if not a little terrifying; however, she trusted the other enough by now to know she wouldn't purposely put them in a dangerous situation if she couldn't get them out of it just as quickly, so once they reached the other side of the street, she didn't thwart her as she had last time. She was just glad to have Nadia by her side again, even if she nearly gave her a heart attack at moments like these.

"Always the gentleman," she said, laughing as Nadia opened the door for her. She followed the other girl to a back corner booth and took a seat across from her. When an elderly waitress greeted them, she remembered how much she loved Waffle House's atmosphere of familiarity and warmth, and was glad she'd suggested such a good location for their first official date. "Yes, please," she answered to the question of coffee. Anything to keep her awake so that she could spend the rest of the night creating memories with this sweet, gorgeous girl in front of her. When the waitress wandered off to go get their drinks, she turned to Nadia and smiled when she noticed the other girl blushing.

"It's almost like we're picking up exactly where we left off, you know?" She mused aloud, hands fidgetting in her lap as all she wanted to do was grab the other girl's hands. "See, this is how I know you belong in my life. We're getting a second chance." After a moment spent deliberating before finally plucking up the courage to follow her heart's desires, she slid her hand across the table and tenderly grasped one of Nadia's, running her thumb across the back of her hand. "So, tell me," she paused for dramatic effect, then smiled. "Whatever will you do if I stop dying my hair pink and no longer look like a garden sprite?"

Nadia laughed, “You’ll always be my garden sprite,” she said seriously. The waitress came by and set down two mugs along with a handful of creamers. She took a sip then carefully pushed it away, letting Dasha tenderly grasp a hand. A trace of a smile appeared on her lips, and her heart beat a little faster for a moment before she calmed it. She reached forward and grabbed her other hand, holding it tightly while her smile turned into a fiendish grin.

“And what a perfect second chance this is.”

The waitress came by, mentioned how cute they were, how they musta been the cutest dayum couple she’d done seen in ages, then asked if they were ready. Well, asked Dasha if she was ready, Nadia got an All-Star every time, “I need pecan pie though, instead of a waffle.”

She laughed, “Out first, then?”

Nadia nodded and when she left, she turned her attention back to Dasha, “I want to do everything I can not to scare you away, even though I think it’ll be a lot harder to do this time.”

With the drugs worn off completely, her mind was clear and her spirit was elated. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for Dasha, and at this point, she was dying to lean forward and give her a kiss as proof of that, but she resisted with every fiber of her being. She wet her lips and her smile faded for a moment, realizing that eventually her secrets would fall out of her, whether she wanted them to or not. There was a lot she had to tell her, even after spilling about her father, but that could wait. It could always wait.

“Besides, you could always color it blue and be my smurf,” she said with a loud chuckle, then flipped Dasha’s hand over and used both of hers to rub her palm with her thumbs. She went through a series of small massages, pulling on her fingers and pinching the ends, then stretching her hand and finally, planting a small kiss on her wrist, “What should we do after this? More Mario Kart? A movie? The rental place is still next door. Or you can go home if you need to, I understand. Do you have to work tomorrow?”

Questions poured out of her. Suddenly, there was nothing she wanted then to spend time with her renewed friend, “Or I can take you to a movie tomorrow,” she winked, “If there’s anything out that’s good.”

Dasha wasn’t sure she’d ever truly believed she would get another chance with Nadia. After the way things had ended, how suddenly she’d left without any hint of an explanation, she hadn’t thought she would even deserve one. Now she realized that it had always been in the cards for them to get back together. Dasha had finally come to terms with her sexuality and become comfortable with what she felt for Nadia, and Nadia, well, she must have just never let go of what they’d had. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was.

The waitress returned, ready to take their order, but not before first throwing out her opinion of how cute they were. Dasha’s ears went bright red and she ducked her head, hiding her grin and stumbling over her words for a moment before finally spitting out her order, “Half order of French toast with a side of eggs, over easy.” She’d forgotten that going on a public date also meant that people might stare, but there weren’t very many people in the diner just yet, and fortunately their waitress was a sweetheart. The waitress disappeared and Dasha turned back to Nadia, a question in her eyes, but the other started speaking before she could ask it.

“You couldn’t scare me away again if you started speaking in tongues and chased me with a broom,” she teased, but it was the truth. She might not have known much of anything of what other secrets the girl had hidden, but she didn’t plan on ditching again this time. Hell, she’d spent three years mulling over what had happened and how she should have stayed, should have given Nadia a better chance. Her heart was heavy with all the words unspoken, the feelings that had grown stronger in all that time spent apart. She stared at their hands entwined on the table, then turned to look around the diner.
Nobody was watching them, nobody even cared that two girls were sitting here holding hands, aside from their waitress, who thought they were the most adorable thing she’d ever seen. Any hint of panic her heart might have held dissipated in an instant. She was happy to sit with Nadia, without having to hide their affection from the public eye.

Her heart leapt when the other girl pressed her lips to her wrist. Dasha smiled and pulled her hand back, only so that she could prepare her coffee that had until this moment been left untouched. She emptied three creamers and two packets of sweet ‘n’ low and stirred, taking a few small sips and then setting the cup back down. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ears and then reached for Nadia’s hand again, letting their fingers entwine before finally considering the other girl’s question. She didn’t really care what they did, she just didn’t want this night to end. "I do work in the morning, but not until nine and it's a short shift, thank God. We can get a movie or just sit and talk for a little while, it doesn't really matter to me." When Nadia then went on to ask her if she might want to go to a move tomorrow, she gave a small chuckle and squeezed her hand. “Well, that depends. Are you asking me to stay the night, Nadia Grey?” She tilted her head with a grin. There was a nervous twisting in the pit of her stomach, the butterflies stirring again. “Or just asking me out on a second date?”

oh sigh sorry it's such shit.

“Fortunately for you,” Nadia started with a smile, “I could never speak in tongues.”

She giggled quietly and released Dasha’s hand to take a few sips of her coffee, then hold the mug in front of her. A small feeling of dread was climbing in her heart. This was all well and good, but she felt that they might trip over each other if they continued at this speed - maybe. Nervousness was to be expected, and perhaps the anxiety was simply from the idea that she would have to break down and tell her everything at some point. She pushed the mug aside again, and grasped her sprite’s hands again, bringing them both to her mouth and letting her lips rest against her knuckles.

A slow sigh, then releasing of air, “I want you to stay the night, but…” inhale. Maybe now wasn’t the best time to mention her problem, but she needed to imply it, “There are a few things I need to work out before we take any more…steps. The past two years have almost killed me,” she kissed her lower knuckles, then moved up and to her wrist again, “I don’t want you to get wrapped up in something as stressful as me, at least until I get my life together.”

The waitress brought her pecan pie around. She ignored it, until their food was set out before them.

She released her hands, almost too quickly, her heart was pounding from the closeness to truth. After a bite or two of hash browns, she was feeling sick from panic, “So maybe a movie tonight? I’ll let you pick,” she pushed out a half hearted smile, “I’m sorry, I really am. I’m the one that’s backing away now. I need things to be slow, easy, so I don’t fall into a hole of fear and never come back out again.”

Dasha understood exactly where Nadia was coming from. “Oh, trust me, Nadia, I don’t want to rush things.” She was happy to have the other girl back into her life, but she wasn’t planning on letting their relationship go any faster than either of them could handle. “There’s still so much we don’t know about each other. I want things to go slow and steady, so that we can enjoy each moment as it comes.” Hell, she wasn’t sure she was even ready for anything more than kissing or cuddling right now, and they hadn’t even built up to either of those things yet, aside from the one kiss they’d shared three years ago.  

When Nadia said that there were some things she wanted to work out before they went any further, Dasha remembered again how Nadia had been high the day before at work, and was surprised that she was bringing the topic up herself. Even if she was only hinting at it, she was braver than most people for doing even just that. But then, Dasha had always known that Nadia was brave. She didn’t push the subject, knowing that Nadia probably wasn’t ready to tell the whole story just yet, and not wanting to spoil their date. “That’s perfectly fine,” she responded simply, smiling again as the other girl started to kiss along her hands. “I’ll be here when you’re ready for me, no matter how much time you need.” When the other girl released her hands, she could tell that the topic alone must have made her uneasy, so she was happy to change the subject back to what they were going to do for the rest of the night.

“A movie sounds wonderful,” she said, as she started to spread butter across her French toast. She used her knife and fork to cut the half-slices into smaller pieces, and then poured her syrup. “You don’t have to worry about disappointing me, Nadia. We were friends before we started to become anything else, so I’ll always have your back. I was just teasing you about spending the night, I’m not sure I’m even ready for that yet...” The waitress came by to refill their coffees, and Dasha promptly emptied two more creamers and another sweet-n-low into hers and stirred. She took another sip and a few bites of her French toast, then continued. “So, for now, you don’t worry have to about anything more than deciding what kind of movie you want to watch tonight. I just have one rule: no history flicks this time.”

I’m sorry this ends really vague, you can just move them to the movie store next haha

‘There’s still so much we don’t know about each other’

The words felt like a brick to the face.

Would she even be around once she realized the kind of problem Nadia had? She swallowed, hard, and forced herself to smile through the sickening despair that was rising from her pit, “We have to enjoy each and every moment otherwise what’s the point of anything?” Philosophy was always her fall back in situations where she was fighting panic. She was more than relieved when Dasha agreed with her, though, and when they moved to the rest of the evening.

She took a few more bites, but her hunger was subsiding and being replaced by anxiety. She sipped her coffee, taking a few discreet breaths. If only she had agreed to her anti anxiety prescription. This is what they meant by ‘take as needed’. Bile rose in her throat. The feeling of keeping a secret was almost too much for, especially when her and Dasha were taking steps towards something palpable and beautiful.

“No history flicks?!” she cackled genuinely, laughter oozing from her like the syrup on Dasha’s french toast, “What else are we supposed to watch?”

Nadia rolled through a list of good movies, but there was nothing that didn’t feel like she had ulterior motives for watching it. They needed something mind blowing, not cutesy, and preferably long. A smile crept on her face, and once she finished eating, she went to the front and paid, dropping a five and four ones on the table for her favorite server, then grasping Dasha’s hand and pulling her from the booth.

They made their way to the rental store, and once inside, Nadia wove around straight to the new releases, picking up Interstellar and putting it under her arm, “We have to get at least two.”

“Whatever it is that you need to work on, you don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready for me to know. Or at all, if you don’t want to,” she shrugged, finishing her coffee and setting it aside. “I trust you, either way.”

Dasha smiled at Nadia’s reaction to her rule of no history films and couldn’t help but laugh herself. “I’d like to stay awake with you this time, if you don’t mind.” She didn’t really care what genre of movie Nadia decided on, as long as the movies they picked out were interesting enough to keep them both awake. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to sit through anything dull at this point, she would surely end up falling asleep if she tried. While Nadia paid for their meal, Dasha tried to bus their dishes as best as she could, putting all the silverware on one plate and all the trash on another. She looked up when Nadia returned, smiling, and allowed the other girl to take her hand and pull her from the booth.

As they walked the short distance to the movie store next door, Dasha tried to think of what kind of movies they could get. She followed behind as Nadia all but ran to the new releases section and snatched up Interstellar. “Well then,” she laughed, “Sounds good to me.” She hadn’t seen that one, but couldn’t argue that it sounded good, even if it was a little long. Hell, that just meant she'd get to spend more time with Nadia, and if she ended up staying the night- well, that was fine too. She'd just have to make sure she left early enough the next morning that she could stop by her apartment to get ready before she left for work.

Dasha walked a little further down the line and picked up Guardians of the Galaxy. “Sorry, guilty pleasure,” she said, turning back to Nadia with a hint of a smile. She reached again for Nadia’s hand and continued down the row, scanning titles as she went. “We’ll get three, sound good?” They had Interstellar for sci-fi, Guardians for action/comedy… “Hmm, what else do you think we should get? Another new release or something a little more familiar? Anything you’ve been wanting to re-watch lately?” Dasha tried to think of any movies that she might want to share with Nadia, but the only thing that came to mind right away was Ghost Ship. “Horror, comedy, adventure - what do you want? Here, surprise me,” she covered her eyes with one hand and freed Nadia’s from her other. “Go pick something, I honestly don't care. I’ll be right here when you get back."

Nadia giggled quietly, but not in jest. She hadn’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet, and was more than excited to do so, “That’s perfect, we’ll watch it first.” Dasha grasped her hand, and she squeezed it, running her thumb against her palm and grinning. There was a couple a few aisles away, giving them a look that made her want to lose her mind, but she ignored them. She ran her fingers over the new release titles, trying to find another one. They needed scary, or something twisted. A classic horror film maybe? When Dasha covered her eyes and released her hand, Nadia took off to the appropriate aisle, looked for Hannibal but saw they were out of it.

“Hmm…” she looked through a few. Devil’s Rejects, Psycho, American Psycho, The Shining… she smirked. There were too many options in her favorite category to pick. She took American Psycho and Devil’s Rejects and stared at them before putting them both under her arm with Interstellar. She’d let Dasha pick and watch the other in her free time. She often went on terror binges anyway, somehow her nightmares were less intense when she pumped her mind full of fright.

Nadia wound her way back to Dasha, who was exactly where she’d left her, grasped her hand gently, and gave her a tiny kiss on the cheek. “I hope you like scary movies, well, American Psycho isn’t even all that scary, old time horror, they don’t even show the blood and gore, only imply it,” she laughed softly, “Devil’s Rejects is my favorite, but it’s fucked up at best.”

She led her to the register, paid for the four movies, which actually cost her nothing with her fancy discount card, then meandered to the exit with movies in one grip, and Dasha’s hand in the other. She used the crosswalk this time, for her sake, even though the need for adrenaline was always strong. They made it to the apartment alive, and she unlocked it, struggled for a moment, then finally slammed her shoulder against the door. It creaked open. She laid the movies out on her counter and put in Guardians of the Galaxy.

“Ice cream? Cookies? We need desert, my pecan pie just didn’t do it for me.”